My life can wait
by kitty4
Summary: Inuyasha is lost in depressing thought when some nice action makes him forget about all his troubles for once. Rating for bad language. Please review ^_^


Hi, minna-san. Yes, it's me again, kitty. I just wanted to say (yet once again) that I do not own anything; you all know it's Takahashi-san's work we're writing about here.  
Btw, I'm going to get out a sequal to 'koisuru kagome' because I got so many reviews on it (28! Tha-ank you, minna-san! ^_^ I'm very happy!!), but it's rather old. I hope someone is still interested in it! It's gonna be called 'The Outstanding Kiss'.   
  
I tried to write a fiction that could easily fit into the manga (or the TV eps for that matter), it's one of those pictures where everyone is sleeping outside at night, somewhere among a tree, Inuyasha as usual on one of the high branches. He's -as so often- not sleeping yet but in deep thought...  
The idea came from watching the ending of the newer Inuyasha episodes ("Dearest"), just if you're interested.  
  
[last note: this containes swear words, to say the least.]  
  
fanfiction, Inuyasha  
nov, 2001  
romance/dark   
  
  
-------------  
My life can wait  
-------------  
by kitty  
  
  
  
You know what? I cornered myself. And I hate myself for that.  
People expect so much of me, just because _I_ expect it from me, it's my own fault... I hardly can compete with the image I created myself.  
Idiot.  
  
Today when I fought that bastard of a youkai...I really thought I got it this time. He really had me once pretty bad and it *hurt*. Fucking hell, it hurt damn much.  
But Inu-yasha doesn't hurt, does he. So maybe it didn't hurt after all.  
  
What would Kagome think if I showed that I'm seriously hurt in a battle. That she not only sees wounds she got used to by now, but also a painstrained face and eyes that plead for a time-out.   
She'd be worried - come and run into the battle to help me. And a hundred percent nearly kill herself with it, stupid li'l bitch she is.  
And from that time on she would always see me like that, a weakling frightened of every opponent. One who is maybe not strong enough for any on-coming fight. She'd never again trust in the strength that I might posses.  
I know she's used to think 'inu-yasha will make it' and 'inu-yasha is one of the stongest demons I know' and that she feels secure with me as a guard.  
...and I like that.  
So I can't ever once let my guard down. I'm always tough, I'm always strong, I'm never frightened, I'm never seriously hurt.  
...never.  
  
And you know what too? I like not only the thought of protecting Kagome. I *like* Kagome. I really do.  
I shouldn't. Look, now she's sleeping, right among my branch. But where's she in a year?  
I know she likes me much, I'm not stupid. But it doesn't matter.  
I hate her world to be honest. The air stinks, it's loud as hell and everything is so..grey..stoney. No gras, no water, no trees. Okay, here on the other hand we've got demons hanging around but still I like my world better. Probably because I just belong her.  
And if she was honest for once she'd see that she likes her world better too. Because she belongs not here but in her future.  
As much as that thought kills me sometimes.  
Kagome always fears Kikyou, that I'm going to be with Kikyou again and not her. Maybe she should not only fear Kikyou but herself too.  
There's just no way for an 'us'.  
...And still, I like her. ...I'm afraid to look how much.  
Actually she's just a few movements away from me. Sometimes I really wonder why I don't the hell go down there and sleep next to her like the others do. I don't need neccessairily a high point of view to notice threats, I don't only have eyes. When I'm on alert my nose and ears are perfectly enough.  
However, I remember, in the long run it's not going to be anything with us. So why bother.  
I have other things to trouble my mind with. Really more serious things.  
Still, something inside me doesn't want to accept, that there's never gonna be a 'Kagome and Inu-yasha' like I long for...sometimes I mean.  
Again I corner myself. I know I want her to be ..at my side..more even.   
But, sometimes it's not good to want something, so you better make yourself not wanting it.  
Better stop now...  
yeah...  
...stop.  
  
That reminds me on Kikyou somehow. Stop. End. Death - Things I connect with her.  
Funny, I'd thought I 'd have a future with her. I mean it wasn't madly passionate full-crash love, but I *was* in love with her, true and honest. And I still *like* her - maybe *love* her, I can't tell myself. I doan know where there's the boarder between the two.  
I wonder if it was her fate to die at an early age. Maybe without me she would have had a wonderful life, she was a nice and really pretty woman and all.  
Still, I don't regret falling in love with her.  
I just regret how it ended. With her, I mean. How she ended.  
Then again, she was just one person among thousand that died that day, hundreds probably even died out of *my* rage.  
I wish I could think more like Sesshou-maru sometimes. A human life is not even worth to think about in his opinion... ...still, currently he's running around with that little human kid.  
But when I regard Kagome's form...I couldn't stand it when I'd had to see her die. Her life is meaning something to me though I can't really explain myself.  
I just know that I want her. To live, I mean.   
I want her...  
...to live.  
  
  
Huh?! What was that?   
  
Ah, just a bird...an owl.  
Mmh, it looks great to fly. Kagome thought for some time that I could fly. But of course I can't - I can just jump far and high, thanks to speed and strength that's not difficult.  
But I wish I could fly. Like Kirara, that would be a hell of a fun.  
I wonder if you feel free when you can fly? The sky is so wide.  
  
I wish I could fly.  
I wish I knew how'd it feel to be so free of everything.  
  
But it's my own fault, I built my own prison.  
  
Fuck, I hate it when I think so much.  
  
  
"inu-yasha?"  
kagome??  
Why she's awake? It's still the middle of the night!  
"are you awake?" she whispers.  
"How sh'd I overhear your screamin here?!" I hiss back.   
"sorry"  
"What'd ya want?  
"Care to come down for short?" Huh? What's now again with her?  
"your a pain in-" she just gives me a glare and I come down, silently.  
"what?" I ask, crouching besides her. Shippou is asleep.  
"i can't sleep when you look so sad"  
"huh? you're nuts or what?"  
"Are you sad?" she insists.  
"What are you talking about?? Leave me be and go back sleeping" I turn around, am half about to crawl up the tree again and my claws are already on that trunk but I drop my arms and turn once again round, finally. Like I thought, she's right still standing there like the moments ago just freakin looking at me.   
"What do you want, Kagome."  
  
Wordlessly she comes over to me. Wonder what is going on in that woman's head...  
She's right in front me now, her hair shimmers beautifully in the moonlit night. Her hands reach out slowly, enclosing around my neck.  
What she wanna do? Kiss me? I'd never thought she'd just do it like that!  
Though it feels good to me to have her this near, I don't know if I should like what I feel. She smells so good...  
No *us*, remember! _We_ won't exist in the long run and she's just gonna be hurt. There's still Kikyou. Kagome will be hurt even more... and I'm gonna be hurt too and of course, I won't show it and everything will get even worse than it is already...  
But remember, I'm never hurt. - I'm not free - There's no me and her - I cannot fly.  
...  
She's gonna kiss me.  
  
Though there's quite much going on in my head I stay calm, let her do what she's about to do.  
It's not as if I've never imagined to kiss her, and I guess I'm curious now. How do her lips feel? Maybe I'm not just curious...  
  
no me and her...no free...no  
  
I open my eyes again -simultaniously wondering when I closed them- in the moment she backs away from me.  
The girl never kissed me, so she didn't intend to after all, huh?  
What is this...disappointment?  
She's so strange sometimes. Look, like she's just standing there, smiling shyly and wearing this damnit _cute_ blush, holding the prayer...  
  
  
...my prayer beads...  
  
  
  
----  
----  
  
  
Kagome lets out a breathe, smiling.  
"Don't be sad, Inuyasha. Things aren't as dark as they seem sometimes."  
With that _she_ turns, leaving me as the one frozen this time. She walks back to her sleeping bag and without even looking at me again, lays down and does as if she gets asleep.  
  
  
And what do I do? I just stand there, somehow she managed to throw me off guard, completely. I think that kiss could not have made me freeze like this action did! Why? Because these beads are part of the definition of our relation; I'm the strong scary dog-boy and, just in case, she can stop me with a mere word. And now...? All that trust...I could easily tore her apart with both eyes blind, she wouldn't stand a chance! That command saved her her life at first and now she sets me free of that curse! I know she trusts me but this..prove..   
  
I'm free of the prayer beads.  
There're really off.  
  
What's going on in that head of hers?? She just releases me from this cursed black human magic, out of the blue, is she nuts?! No 'Osuwari' when she returns to the future, no 'Osuwari' when I insult her, no 'Osuwari' if I turn youkai?  
  
Finally I get back to my senses, regaining composure quickly. I can't help but smirk.   
She has just made a big red scratch though one small part of my self-pitty, now hasn't she. That stupid little wench is setting me free just like that.  
  
From one second to the other she just sets me free.  
The more I think about it the less I can prevent my smirk from becoming a grin.  
  
  
She doesn't even know what she did, does she?  
  
  
I look for the prayer beads, and as I don't see them anywhere on the ground I guess she took them with her. So they're probably lying next to her.   
Without caring to be noiseless I walk over to her, nobody wakes though.  
Kagome hears me approach, turns over to face me and her blue eyes meet me directly, as if asking me 'what do you intend Inu-yasha'. I know that look very well in fact.  
I crouch next to her, never breaking her gaze. I can practically see her sleepy brains working, trying to understand what I'm about to do.   
The kitsune is startled and about to wake up but what do I care.  
  
The prayer beads lay next to her sleeping bag, just as I expected. If someone told me I wouldn't have believed it, heck I really never thought I would do what I will do now but without thinking any longer about it I grap the prayer beads and put them back around my neck.  
Funny to watch her react slowly: how she's first relaxed until her li'l sweet brain catches up and then, she looks totally confused and startled.  
  
'Baka, what did you do!?' her wonderful saphire blue eyes seem to scream at me, she's not able to say anything, while she tries to rise.  
  
I keep her down though with one hand on her shoulder. "Thank you" I say. And I mean it.  
The kitsune is now awake and is staring at my face - I know without having to look at the little brat. He's probably coughing on what just left my mouth.  
  
Heck, _I_ would cough on it if someone told me this one day before!  
However, the day before is not now.  
See how you cough on that, fox-boy.  
  
Without making a bit fuss about it I bend forward and kiss Kagome.  
  
  
----  
----  
  
I know that she wanted it and I know that I want it and you know what? It feels great.  
  
  
For once I don't want to care what's gonna be tomorrow, I want to live *now*, I want to live this very instant. I just want to feel *this* now, I want to kiss Kagome and love it and feel her and it's all I want. With the rest I deal later.   
My life can wait for one night.  
  
  
  
  
----End  
  
Author's note:  
You know what? This is the third time I rewrite my AN. Why? - Because I always ended up talking about something that nobody is interested about. So this time, I'm gonna keep it short.  
At the beginning I didn't intend this to be a fanfiction. I just wondered a bit about the whole Inuyasha series and how this mess will turn out in the end but this really is not easy. However, I ended up letting Inuyasha talk to myself, as if he could explain his situation to me and somehow I liked what he was telling me and ta-ta, I made a fiction out of it.  
I know it's totally OOC at the end but well, actually I wanted to give Inuyasha a rest of his troublesome and depressing life and let him enjoy these brief moments here for once. ^_^ I know I'm silly.  
  
Anyway, reviews are very welcomed. It's not much afford, just click on the button right down here and write a few words. ^_____^ And thank you very much for reading.  
  
I hope you all had a nice Christmas, and I wish you a Happy New Year!  
  
kitty 


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